Yesterday I responded to a close friend having trouble recovering from an excessively abusive relationship. I’ve had a bit of experience with that sort of thing myself, so decided to share my Ancient Whitegirl Secret to dealing with post-love depression. Or any type of pain, really. It got quite the response on facebook comments thread so I figured it was something worth sharing publicly. Here is a copy of the comment, slightly edited for context in this blog format: me speaking to you.
You are not alone
i completely understand your pain. i’m only just starting to recover from my own loss. i don’t know the dirty details of your experience, but i personally had been waiting for the man i loved to return to me for well over a year before finally having to end the relationship in order to save my own physical, emotional and financial health (2 of which are only now becoming fully restored 7 months later). i still miss the man i fell in love with. dearly. luckily the boy he regressed to keeps showing up each time we communicate, so it gets easier to say goodbye each time we interact; it’s gone from a disappointed “please just go,” to a disgusted “seriously dude, get the fuck out of my space.” i don’t regret the compassion, support and hope i supplied through our struggle. what I do regret is allowing myself to be treated like that for so long. a lot of my friends ended up retracting from my life. i admit, it must have been really hard to watch, but on the same token i found out really quick who were the fair weather friends. sadly, it was about 95% of them. that hurt the most. still does.
chin up. mourn the loss, cherish the memories and bury the stranger. none of the memories you shared are going anywhere so there is no need to cling to them. the more energy you expend on those thoughts and emotions, the more you block healthy changes and new love from finding you. you’re one of the strongest broads i know, so here’s what you’re gonna do: my little secret to transmutation. it isn’t easy but if you can set your will (and i know you can) you’ll be up and survivin’ in no time.
Before you start
you need to set intent. go over the entire process in your mind and mentally confirm with yourself all the steps that are going to happen. if you’ve never “set intent” before, you do this in a way similar to internal self-talk, but instead of addressing a pinpoint bead of space inside your skull (ever noticed where your mental/energetic attention is physically located while you’re thinking or talking to “yourself” vs solving a math equation or chatting with a friend?) you want to address your entire body—including the area extending 1-3 feet outside of your body. address this space primarily, but also take notice of the infinite void of space surrounding us all. if anyone needs more clarification on this or additional explanation/examples/imagery to fully grasp the concept, just let me know.
give yourself a set amount of time to mourn—say maybe 48 or 72 hours—and go balls out pathetic. send the kid to a sleepover, shut off your phone, charge the wevibe, stock up on booze, fresh green, golden girl reruns, chubby hubby, sour patch kids, special k… whatever your thing is… and REALLY fucking morn. cry your eyes out. throw beer bottles at brick walls. sulk in bed for a day and a half and get ice cream stains all over the sheets. write angry letters spilling everything you ever wanted to say or do and didn’t (or did, but fuck it, do it again), then tear the paper up like a crazy lady and throw the confetti in the fire while screaming obscenities at it. Create a safe space and GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. purge like you’ve never purged before. maybe warn your neighbors so they don’t call the police while you’re smashing all the dishes in the backyard wearing his college sweatshirt covered in red paint screaming the words along to “Boy’s Don’t Cry” with tears streaming down your face.
when the timer finally dings on your time, snap yourself out of it. stand up, straighten your beehive hairdo, brush your shoulders off, roll up your ripped-to-shit stocking, put your pumps back on, fix your mascara, straighten your glasses, look around your space and observe the chaos you’ve created. walk from room to room to get a mental image of all the damage that was done. when you’ve accepted the disaster as a whole it’s time to move on. close your eyes, drop your hands to your sides and take a deep breath (through your nose if you can). on the long inhale, visualize sucking up aaaaaaaallllll the crazy you’ve just vomited all over your space. genie that shit right into your nose until you physically can’t fit any more air into your lungs. slowly lift up your arms as you breath in to help you hold all the bullshit you purged from that fucking psychopathic, narcissistic asshole stranger who hijacked your soulmate. next comes the most powerful part of the whole thing: a slow, uber-controlled power exhale. you’ll physically exhale through your nose, but mentally you will exhale from every cell of your body. visualize all the toxicity and chaos you’ve absorbed being forced out of your entire body—from the centermost part of you outward. see it’s color and shape as it radiates from your body, then vaporizes into nothing. as you exhale, push your arms downwards toward the floor as if using them as the pump to some sort of energetic play-dough ChiaPet push-pop… or whatever. keep exhaling and radiate all that negativity until you think you might pass out from exhaling so much. every last drop.
hold it for a second, if you can, and imagine yourself submerged in shimmery, white/golden light, seeping in through your pores. the next breath you take will be the most exhilarating breath of your life. your body will tingle, joy and hope will fill your heart and you might even start laugh/crying when you suddenly realize what you’ve just accomplished: made room in your heart for love again. self love. self respect. motivation. forgiveness. it hits you like a ton of bricks. almost better than sex.
then… you know… go pick up the kid and treat him to dairy queen or gamestop or something. tidy up the house and get a new start on life. make plans with friends or family to draw you out into the world and away from your cave. tell them you’ve decided to leave the past behind you. make it clear that—at least for the time being—you only want to focus on the present or future in positive ways. will you still have pangs of sadness? well, sure. i mean, you actively loved, and memories of love never go away. but it won’t hurt like before. not even close.
Get your groove back
if you try this and it works for you, please share that with me. i love to hear the experiences of fellow humans finding their own power and healing within it! i love it even more to know that sharing my experiences played a part in kick-starting someone else’s 🙂
you are fearless. you are guiltless. you are creator.